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Sophie, So Good
Yes! It’s our sex columnist and favourite covergirl ever, Sophie Howard. Just look at her! Lord have mercy!

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Shell give you shit, will Sophie Howard. If she’s got a grievance, she’ll air it; if she can take the piss, she’ll snatch it; if she thinks Maxim’s interview is rubbish, she’ll bloody tell us! This is a very good thing indeed. Add this spunkiness to her being so gorgeous you want to gouge out your own eyeballs and buff them with Windolene to make sure she’s actually real, and you’ve got quite a girl. She’s the best thing to happen to Maxim since the day someone brought a monkey into the office.

How was this latest incredible shoot for you?

Really good. The catering was OK, although the quiche was a bit sloppy.

Sorry about that. OK, instead of a normal interview, we’re going to quiz you on things from your life.

OK. Go for it.

You’re from Southport. What is Southport’s new state-of-the-art waterpark going to be called?

Splash 3000? Splash 2000? No, wait… Splash World!

Correct. Who’s playing tomorrow night at the Southport Theatre And Floral Hall?

Oooh… no idea. Give me a clue.

His name begins with Lenny…

… Henry! Can you get me tickets?

No, but we can get you into the Chuckle Brothers the following week. The British Lawnmower Museum is in Southport. Can you name the lawnmower’s inventor?

These are way too hard. I haven’t been to the museum, so I don’t know that.

Formby’s Red Squirrel Reserve. How much is it to get in?

I’d say a good price to get in is £4.

No, it’s £2.70 per car.

That’s a bargain. That’s really cheap. Red squirrels are rare, aren’t they? I let my dogs run after them! Not hunting them – playing with them.

Nice that you’re decimating the endangered red squirrel population. OK, you were in the Salvation Army as a teenager. What is the newspaper produced by the Sally Army called?

Blood & Fire. No – War Cry! Yes!

Well done. You don’t eat meat, but you do eat fish. What’s the world’s biggest fish?

No idea. Red snapper? No, it’s the whale shark.

Why is that not a mammal, if it’s a whale?

It’s a whale shark. Sharks are fish. OK. Can I just tell you this? I don’t know the answers to any of these questions, so all this interview is going to be is you asking questions and me going, ‘I don’t know.’ There’s nothing in it about me! Why didn’t you just ask me normal questions?

It was a bad idea, wasn’t it? Let’s skip to the sex part of the quiz.

Oh, yes, I’ll be good at this. Bingo!

What is the name of the bit between the front lady bottom and the back lady bottom?

The gooch!

What?!

That’s what they call it in Jackass! They’re not ladies, but it’s the same kind of area.

It’s actually called the perineum. Which of these is not an indicator of the female orgasm? a) Vaginal muscle contradictions; b) reddening of the face and neck; c) dilated pupils; d) increased heart rate.

I’ll go for pupils. It’s the only one you can’t fake!

Correct! What position did most women say was their favourite in a recent survey?

It should have been missionary because that’s the easiest, but it’s probably doggy style because all girls say that because they think it’s dirty. It’s not. It’s boring.

It’s not boring!

It is compared to some of the others. Like ‘The Helicopter’: you spin around on top of a guy. It’s like being on the waltzers. You start to feel a bit sick after a while.

OK, well, that quiz backfired. Now let’s have some ‘proper’ questions. What’s your favourite word?

It used to be ‘buoyant’. Now it’s any French word. ‘Poisson’ is good. I also heard something on the radio where they had a poll to decide the UK’s favourite word, and I liked the one that won. But I can’t remember what it was.

Gripping anecdote, Soph.

You wrote the stupid quiz!

OK, current hates?

Fast drivers or slow drivers; people not driving at my speed.

If you could change your name to anything, what would it be?

Rudie MacKental-Whistle.

What are you personally doing to help prevent global warming?

Bog all. I saw that TV show about it all being a sham, and it’s given me a reason to be apathetic.

You used to be a stripper, right? Could you perhaps twirl your nipple tassels, hook yourself up to a generator and provide us with some cheap electricity?

No, I can’t. I was a rubbish stripper. Other strippers were good at pole-dancing, and could make it all sexy like Dita von Teese.

I didn’t put much effort into it.

I’d go on the stage, dance around a bit, get my tits out, then get off.

Were you that economical when lap dancing?

Well, with lap dancing you had to put in three minutes, but if the guy was a bit minging, you made it last one-and-a-half. If they were hot, you’d do it all night!

Are you any good in bed or what?

Oi! I read what you put in my last interview – about me being lazy in bed.

You said that!

I know, but sometimes I’m joking! No, it all depends on the guy. If I really fancy the guy and he’s into the same things as me, and our sexual chemistry is electric, then I’ll put in as much effort as needed.

What is that sexual chemistry?

I don’t know. I’ve seen guys in the past that I’ve found so attractive to look at, but then in bed it’s crap. Other guys, who you wouldn’t have thought would be great, turn out to be amazing. It’s just something you can’t describe.

Thanks for not really trying.

Ask me some other questions, then. I fell down the stairs yesterday. Do you want to see? (Shows off a big graze down her back) I was at the top of the stairs with a load of glasses, and I was walking down to feed my dogs. One of them stepped in my pathway, so I went for the next step and just ended up bouncing down the stairs on my spine. My dogs scurried off scared, so I just laid there crying and screaming.

Any other calamities to share?

Yes. I got really drunk at Christmas, and took someone else’s keys home from a party by accident. I was at home in bed when the guy called, and I said I’d put the keys in a taxi. So the taxi came, and I trotted outside in this really tiny nightie. Then my feet just went from under me, the nightie went right up to here and I hit my coccyx really hard. I was laid in front of this taxi in just my knickers. I got up, gave him the keys, went back inside, laid down in the living room then went, ‘Waaah!’

Any other thoughts?

Are you gay? Q:Bloody hell.



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