It's our Sophie!
It’s Maxim’s greatest ever signing: Sophie Howard! Simply the country’s hottest girl
Maxim readers, give us a hug, buy us a beer and hand out the cigars! We’ve only gone and bloody signed up Sophie Howard for the mag! Yes, the hottest model in the country is our new sex columnist, and will be appearing in Maxim every month. You’ll be seeing so much of her that you’ll become convinced she’s your girlfriend, and your friends will think you’re a delusional freak. But what is she like in the flesh? Sweet Baby Jesus, not only is she absolutely stunning, she’s also so smart and funny you just want to hold on to her leg and be dragged around with her wherever she goes. Truly, she’s the greatest girl in the world, and now she’s all yours.
You’ve joined Maxim! Are you happy?
I’m ecstatic! I’ve been treated really well since I came to Maxim, and it’s been fun! My first shoots have gone well, and the pictures look really good. It’s all good, good, good!
So what sort of thing can Maxim readers expect from you over the next year?
Me. Nude. I’m answering their questions in my column, too. I’m looking to give Maxim readers a helping hand up the sex ladder and turn them all into Don Juans!
Since you’re new to Maxim, let’s pretend we don’t know who you are – give us a brief history of Sophie Howard.
I was born and raised in Southport. I went to a good Catholic school, and was in the Salvation Army until I was 16. I didn’t touch drink, drugs or boys – and then, at 17, I became a stripper! After that I sent my pictures off everywhere. Things took off when a newspaper put me on Page 3 solidly for a year.
So what drove you from the Sally Army to stripping?
I don’t know. At that time of your life you need to start trying out new things and see where it takes you. You never know, maybe one day I’ll go back to the uniform. Thinking about it, what I’m doing now is probably very blasphemous. Ah, He’ll forgive me anyway!
Were you a good stripper?
Yeah, I was! And I can still bust a move! Though I was never good on the pole, because my body weight compared to my arm size is out of proportion. I could get up the pole, but then I couldn’t do anything up there, so I’d just come back down again.
I’m really good at lap dancing though!
Oh, yeah! I’m still adept at that.
That’s brilliant. So what kind of man gets such treats?
Every guy I’ve dated has been different. They’ve just got to be a nice guy. I’m not into bad boys; all that ‘treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen’ nonsense. I want to get on with someone and have something to talk about. I don’t want to just argue!
Do you strop when you argue?
Oh, yeah. I throw things a lot. If I’m annoyed, I’ll grab the nearest object and chuck it. I bought this shelf recently, and it wouldn’t fit in any of the corners of my room, so I got really annoyed and threw it. I’ve now got a big hole in my room – if there’s any plasterers out there, can you come round?
They might want to wear a helmet! Tell us some things that you love.
I like sugar in all its forms. I like music – I went through a big metal phase and came out the other side with a few tattoos. I like the seaside, old people and David Attenborough. I can watch his documentaries for days.
What’s your ultimate song to get jiggy to?
It depends. If you’re really in the mood, you have to have something hard. But if you’re in a lovey-dovey mood, you have to put on some Boyz II Men.
This interview is over. Goodbye!
Ha! No, I’m only joking. You’d only play them if you wanted to dump someone.
What’s the worst chat-up line you’ve used on a guy?
When I used to get really drunk I used to be quite up front. I don’t really chat up guys any more. I think it’s a man’s place to do the chatting up.
So how should men go about it?
Be really nice to girls, and if you’re not quite sure, just be really blunt with them, and make them so uncomfortable that they either laugh or go, ‘Yeah, OK!’
Bedroom scenario. What kind of animal are you most like?
A cat. I sleep a lot.
Brilliant, that’s what we wanted to hear!
No, I’m a chamaeleon. I change all the time.
So you can blend in with the wallpaper and sneak out?
No, I’m very active in the bedroom. But I sometimes think if they’re willing to do all the work, why should I bother?
Oh, come on – you’ve got to put some effort in.
I do every so often, and then it’s a treat. When I do take the initiative, they’re floored.
What can a guy do to drive you mental in bed?
I like to never know what I’m going to get. Like, one night he can be really sweet and nice, and the next night he can be pulling your hair and ravaging you over your desk. I don’t actually own a desk.
So a man would have to construct the desk halfway through?
Yeah, that’d be hot – in a workman’s outfit!
Out of all the girls you model with, who’s your favourite?
Jody Nicholls. She’s hot and dirty. Lucy Pinder is hot and intelligent. I like intelligence in a lady – and massive knockers! I’ve got this friend who’s starting out in modelling, but I haven’t worked with her yet. We’re going to do our own amateur stuff!
Result. Who would win in a wrestling match between you and Lucy Pinder?
I’d say her, because she’s got bigger boobs. She could flatten me. It depends what’s happened. If she’s called me a slag and I’m really angry, I’d probably win.
If you had your own planet in outer space, what would it be like?
It’d be like Charlie And The Chocolate Factory: seas of chocolate sauce and sweets growing on trees.
And Oompa Loompas?
I’m not so keen on dwarfs.
No! I love dwarfs really.
They can’t reach the shelves to buy Maxim, anyway. Do you consider yourself a sicko at all?
(Suddenly all excited) I once swallowed my own sick by accident! And when I was little, I went to the zoo and one of the monkeys threw shit at me and it landed on my face. And this one time I was sick, I was coughing so much that I had to be sick in my hands because someone was in the bathroom – then after about four gulps, I realised that I was stood next to my kitchen sink.
So you drank it back down?
Yeah. It’s disgusting, isn’t it?
Yes, it is. Have you got a special message for the Maxim readers?
I’m really glad that you’re joining me on my journey with Maxim, and I hope that it is enlightening for the both of us. Christ, I sound like Jerry Springer!